The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
