she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
