smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
