he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
