it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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