hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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