dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Everclear isn't food dammit
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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