If i come over, it means nothing
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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