hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
