She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
