I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
