I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
