Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
