And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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