1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm really into asian looking animals
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We smell like vodka and hangover
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