Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
