i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
