i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
