If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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