I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
