I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
