wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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