i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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