If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
