I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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