He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
