You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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