God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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