More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
nutella sex= disaster
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
