i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
