If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
