hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
