i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
