I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
