Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
