Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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