Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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