I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
