My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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