so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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