she woke up with a sticky ear
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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