Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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