I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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