The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
