i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
