either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
