Just cropdusted the office
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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