I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You pole danced in your parka.
I could fuck to npr.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You left your phone here
Wait...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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