There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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