He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
